the truth.
I’m going to start this off with what happened most recently, and then get into everything else. It’s a lot and I'm bracing myself just writing this.
I got made redundant. Again. Well, I don’t know if we can call this 2nd time a redundancy, but it’s what I got told that it would be. I’m sure most people know what a redundancy is, but if you don’t, I’ll post what it is right here so you don’t have to look it up and you can continue reading my post (lol), but redundancy is when a business no longer needs an employee’s role to be done by anyone. That is directly from the Fair Work website (fairwork.gov.au).
The first time I was made redundant was during Covid and it was the start of the pandemic. I started a job in January 2020 and got made redundant in March, from memory it was a week or two after I graduated from university. The whole world shut down and EVERYONE was affected, everyone. So, as much as that sucked, I knew it wasn’t me and I understood why. My boss at the time was lovely though, and that made the process a lot easier knowing I had support.
Fast forward 5 years later, I’m hearing the word redundant, only to find out it was and is in fact a termination without cause. This was NOT a genuine redundancy, because the business still needs my job to be done and has already hired someone else to do it. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking - WHAT THE F**K?!
Initially, I was okay with being made redundant and when it was explained to me from a business perspective I understood, but you don’t make it look like it was my decision, give almost half the team promotions and say you’re hiring two new people. Meanwhile, I’m getting told all this and sitting there thinking, what?! I think my face was completely blank but also in shock. Kind of like that meme with the lady’s face trying to figure out math equations. Like this was a whole bunch of bullsh*t. Like, what in the world just happened?
It wasn’t a conversation, I was not asked many questions. It was a decision already made and I respected that. It was legit a 9 minute “meeting”, and I tried to make it as peaceful as possible, more for my own sake, and then all hell broke loose the next day.
The aftermath gave me anxiety and I knew it would, which is why I asked not to be in the room when it was announced that I had been made redundant. I felt that there was a lack of empathy too from the team. I understand that everyone is in it for themselves, and I don’t expect anyone to sacrifice their job because I just lost mine, but that was a little upsetting. Could things have been worse? Yes. But, I am human and what happened was terrible. I can appreciate that they were probably told that I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, that’s why no one said anything, but that moment when everyone walked out of the meeting, sat down at their desks and continued working like nothing happened is a moment I won’t forget, because it literally felt like no one cared.
The way it all went down is what really bothered me. And made me mad, I was so f**king mad. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. The fact too that it seemed like half the office knew that I was being made redundant was disappointing and extremely unprofessional. I also got told that my role would not be re-advertised, even though it was advertised two hours later after my meeting - the same job description with a different job title. Like, I’m sorry; did my back hurt your knife?
That was so f**king hurtful. It’s a lie. When I was little and I would tell a lie, my mum would lecture me for 3 hours and explain how lying can have negative effects, and I got it. I got it and understood, so it baffles me how someone in their 50’s doesn’t understand how wrong and hurtful telling a lie like that is. It makes me not trust people, or want to trust people. Don’t just re-think your business plan, re-think your style, because telling a lie like that doesn’t fly in life and it doesn’t fly in business. You do it once, you’re probably going to do it again. Just stop lying. You’re an adult, or so it seems.
The day after it was announced, I went for a walk with one of my friends and we were chatting about everything, and somewhere in the midst of the conversation, I put my hands over my face, started crying and said, “I hate this. What did I do to deserve this?”. I swear I break my own heart sometimes when I cry.
Redundancy sucks in general, but the way that it went down was absolutely f**ked. It’s the lying and the deceit that is so much worse.
CULTURE & TOXICITY
Oh gosh, I don’t know where to start with this. Just so much sh*t.
TRIGGER WARNING! I talk about a couple of things that are very vulnerable. So, either scroll down to the ‘How am I doing’ section of this blog post or stop reading here.
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I was unhappy for a long time and was looking for a new job for a while before all this happened, but the main reason why I was so miserable was because of the politics and the toxic work culture. There are politics everywhere, I’m sure at every job, even within families too, and just in life, but I found it to be so damaging to be in it everyday.
It was incredibly difficult to thrive at work, because I was so focused and consumed on the politics and behaviours that were going on. I was more concerned about how I would get through the day, and what I needed to do to block out the noise. I would put on my noise cancelling headphones and that did help a little bit because I couldn’t hear anything besides my music or whatever podcast I was listening to at the time, but trying to deal with all of it was anything but easy.
Three things:
Pain around my sternum
Menstrual cycle
Crying
There were times when I got off the train and as I was walking to the office, I felt tension on the right side of my sternum. Literally my chest was tight from anxiety. I’d never experienced it before. I literally had to sit down because it hurt. I was leaning against a wall of a Restuarant, trying to get myself together. I was fearful and so nervous because I didn’t know what I was going to walk into or what the day had in store. It got bad.
The politics stressed me out so much it affected my menstrual cycle. TMI, sorry! but it is part of my story. I had a doctor's appointment and I told her what was going on at work and she told me to take mental health days. I wish I listened. She really stressed to me how important our mental health is, and if a job is causing this much stress, it’s not worth it. My period was late because I was so stressed out and my body was feeling it. Every single bit of stress.
During the work week, I would normally wake up between 4:40-4:45am, but sometimes, I would wake up at 4:15 or 4:30 to do some yoga before I started getting ready for my day. One morning after I finished my yoga session, I was lying on the floor, arms over my face and started crying, because the thought of what would come next in my day gave me so much anxiety. I didn’t want to go to work. It was f**king hard to motivate myself to go, but I did anyways. There were a lot of mornings like that, and I’d show up, smile on my face, like nothing happened and everything was okay. Luckily, my eyes weren’t that puffy so no one could tell, but inside I was like “just get through the day, you got this”.
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Even simple things would give me anxiety. For example, hearing the lift or elevator ‘ding’ would make me feel anxious. I would have to take deep breaths and I’d go into a full breathing technique to calm myself down.
I’d have moments where I felt like I was about to cry. So many moments like that, you wouldn’t f**king believe it. I thought I was being a drama queen with all this crying, but then I would look around me and be like, “no, you’re feelings are valid. Cry your heart out, girl”. I’d go into one of the toilet stalls (usually the end one, furthest from the door) and cry in there because I didn’t want anyone to see me. It was weird and it wasn’t normal.
Any time someone would open the office door or leave to go to the toilet, the door would make a slight sound and even that would trigger me. Wild.
The culture and toxicity took away what it felt like everything from me; my passion, my joy, my smile. I felt like I lost my personality at one point because I was mad and frustrated with how toxic and unfair things were. I was trying so hard to control my face and if you know me, you know my facial expressions are anything but quiet.
It became almost impossible to thrive in that environment, so I’m glad that I’m out, but I acknowledge it wasn’t all bad. There were some great memories, but in the end I saw all the slips and cracks, and the toxicity of it all affected my mental health, and it was too much. If I didn’t get made ‘redundant’, I would’ve just quit.
How am I doing?
I’m alright. I haven’t cried since leaving, so that’s something. It’s hard. I’m 3 weeks out now, but it still stings a little. All of these feelings and emotions don’t immediately go away because I’m out of the environment. I’m relieved, but there’s a lot of work that needs to be done, just in regards to feeling like myself again.
I take it one day at a time, my days have been very peaceful which has been nice, but it’s a process. I’m not only trying to find another job, I’m also healing. I’m out of a routine and while I am enjoying this unemployment life, I’m trying to get my sparkle back, something that this business and job slowly took away from me because of how toxic it got.
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There is still a lot for me to learn, but I’ve realised it is about the environment. Creating a good and safe environment can really make all the difference. If you are a Boss, Founder, CEO or Director, basically if you run a business and you’re reading this post, please make your workplace an environment that is fair for EVERYONE, makes employees feel safe and is somewhere where people can thrive.
Also, don’t post a job advertisement and say that you offer “a relaxed office environment” and “an amazing office culture”. It’s great if it’s true, but if employees are having anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns, and are spending more time in the toilet to cry, you might want to fix and figure out that amazing office culture that is highlighted in the benefits section. In short, stop lying. Oh, I just thought of that TikTok: you know there one where it’s like, “Why you always lying, why you f**king lying?”. That sh*t is so catchy. ANYWAYS.
If you are someone that is in a similar position or can relate to some of the things that I’ve mentioned above, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have been through it or are going through it, but you are going to get through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know it’s hard to see sometimes, but it’s there. It is easy for me to just say ‘get out’ because I am out, but I don’t know your circumstances. I know what it’s like to want to stick it out at a job, but I have learned it’s not worth it in the end. I don’t have all the answers, but I know that you matter and no job is worth losing your happiness for. Take care of yourself, and your mental health. I am a human being at the end of the day, so if you need or want to chat - my comments are open, or you can send me a message on my instagram account, @bycesca_.
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These days I’m about all my peace. I am responsible for it and my priority and focus right now is me. I’m not worrying about how I’m going to get through the day in an environment that is toxic anymore.
I not only want to, but I need to move on, so this is the first and last time I’ll be addressing this. I’ve said everything I need to say and I’m done. Talking about it more is only going to hurt me. So if you know me personally and know the whole “redundancy but not really a redundancy” situation, please don’t bring it up anymore. Your girl is tired.
I apologise for more than one use of the “F” word. Even with the asterisks, you know what I’m saying, but I don’t know who is reading this. There could be kids on here, so I feel the need to censor.
Anyways, I appreciate you. Thank you for reading, and as always, I am grateful. Grateful, grateful, grateful.