The Circle of Life

When I see or hear someone say the circle of life, I think of the lion king. Anyone else?

Anyway.

You will read the word ‘Lola’ a lot in this post. Lola means grandma in Tagalog/Filipino. Just so you know. Look, I just taught you something new.

This blog post is kind of a continuation of my blog post called “My mum is amazing”, and you’ll pick that as you continue reading. 

About two months ago, my mum and grandma were both sick. Well, my mum was sick and my grandma was experiencing pain in her neck and shoulder, but she also wasn’t feeling great.

There have been very few moments in my life when I’ve seen my mum sick. I’m used to her being up and about, moving around the house and getting things done. When it comes to caring for and looking after my grandma, she is literally superwoman. The woman does everything.

Watching them both not be well at the same time was hard. It was especially hard to see my mum like that. She was in her room and in bed every day for a good week. 

One day during that week, things were a little chaotic in the house and one morning I came running downstairs, my dad was in the kitchen and I said, “this is the circle of life.”

My mum hasn’t just constantly looked after me and my immediate family; she has and continues to take care of her siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, family friends; literally everyone. That’s just who she is. If something is wrong, she’s there or people will just show up to the house, which I witnessed a lot growing up.

I don’t know a world without my grandma not at home with us, and for a long time - it was just the two of us, and it still is now. But as life goes, I’m getting older, my parents are getting older and moving slower, and now my grandma sometimes just looks at me and it takes her a while to recognise me, but after a few minutes she’ll smile and say, “Ces”. (one of my nicknames, the CES from FranCESca.)

I saw what it was like for my mum, because I was doing what she does every day. The routine somewhat goes: breakfast, make her coffee, medicine, lunch, medicine, put a load of washing on, eat lunch, watch a bit of Netflix, give Lola her lunch and medicine, turn on the tv for her and so on and so forth.

During that time when my mum and grandma were both sick, I wasn’t working and was at home pretty much every day, so in a way it was good that I was able to be there and help take care of my family. I try to help out as much as I can, and now that I’m back at work I’m not home all the time so I don’t always know what’s going on. I know there are probably things my mum isn’t sharing because she’s dealt with it or she’s just too tired to even talk about. Which, fair. I get it. 

I love having my grandma at home. It is really special, but it’s also really challenging, especially as she’s gotten older. From when I was a teenager, I feel like I have had this responsibility to take care of her as well, which I’m more than happy to do, but now it’s becoming harder, and my mum and dad never complain, but I know they are tired and I am too. Emotionally, it’s really hard.

There are times when I can hear my mum and grandma raising their voices at each other and I go downstairs to try and diffuse the situation because I don’t want things to escalate. When they’re both yelling at each other, I say to my mum, “walk out of the room for a second”. Like, that kind of stuff is hard. People don’t see that, and those are the moments that leave me absolutely wrecked. 

It’s great when my aunts and uncles come to take her out, because it gives my mum a break and she can rest, and I don’t mean for that to sound bad, but it’s a lot and my mum needs and deserves a break. And with all do respect, my other family members have no idea what’s like. My grandma can be all smiley and laughing and having a good time when she’s out, but people don’t see the frustration and sometime angry behaviour that happens when it is just the 4 of us at home.

Sometimes I wish that someone would just ask how I am. And I don’t want to sound selfish, it’s not about me, but what I observe is that everyone in the family checks on Lola, they ask how she’s doing and they come over to visit her, but I feel like there isn’t the same consideration with my mum, dad and myself - the people that are with her 24/7. I hear, “look after Lola”, but it’s never “look after yourself or take care of mum and dad”.

I expressed to my dad my concern about my mum taking on too much, and how that if she needs to rest, she should ask for more help from her siblings. I was really frustrated one night, and my dad and I were driving home (it seems we’re always in the car having deep and meaningful conversations), and I said, “If mum’s aneurysm bursts, we’re f*cked.” Some things are not my place, but my concern for my mum is real. She is a human.

When I started staying home by myself, my mum told me that there were going to be times when it was just going to be me and lola, and if something happens, I need to know how to call an ambulance. There have been quite a few times when she has had a fall, and though I’ve been at home, I haven’t heard her. I was either in the bathroom or outside. But whenever she’s had a fall, she calls me. 

I want to paint a picture for you guys right now: I’m coming from my room, running downstairs towards my grandma’s room and her door is closed. I’m thinking the worst, my phone is in my hand with ‘000’ ready to go just in case. I have had thoughts where if I missed a call, and I’m late to call back something would happen and I would get the blame that it was my fault that something happened to my grandma. It’s scary.

Dementia is just one of those things where no one really knows. I think most people know it to be a brain condition that affects behaviour and the ability to complete everyday tasks, but there so much to it. It’s tricky, and as someone who is living with someone who has dementia, I’m trying my best to read as much as I can about it and educate myself, so if you know any books, articles or podcasts about dementia let me know or comment them below, because I’m always looking to better understand things, especially something so complex like dementia.

I know that there are people in the same situation and people out there who have it worse. I’m sending love and strength, because it’s not easy and we’re all out here doing our best. We’re taking care of each other.